day 3

The third day of the London Olympics closes with high drama, as Mongolia and Lithuania judo-chopped and breast-stroked their way past yesterday’s leaders to take the the top two spots in the medals-per-million race, dropping Olympic-dominating Hungary, Moldova, Georgia, Norway and Slovakia to third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh places, respectively. “It pays to have not so many people,” remarked one Mongolian fan. “And for at least one of those people to be quite good at judo.”


While China dropped from 30th to 33rd place today, the news is not all bad. “Four countries now are not as bad as we are!” chanted Chinese supporters outside one Olympic venue. “Germay, Mexico, Indonesia, India – they’re even more not as good at sporting events!”


The day’s biggest losers were Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Taipei and the Netherlands, each dropping six positions in the standings, while Canada slipped by five spots, along with Serbia, Cuba and Belgium. “Hey, we can’t all be Mongolia, can we?” explained one Canuck official. “Just wait’ll we get to the events with skates and stuff – we’ll show ‘em, eh!”


At number 22 in the standings, the United States of America remains only slightly below average, which is more than good enough for them – a happy, non-competitive people who just want to be able to say “at least we were there.” A lot of them didn’t even mind that Ukraine fought past them with victories in fencing and air pistol. “If they’re going to resort to that kind of violence, I say let them have 21st place. We’re not that kind of a country: we just don’t need it bad enough to start using guns and swords,” said an unconfirmed source said to be close to Olympic fan and Secretary Of Defense Leon Panetta.

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