Tuesday, July 31, 2012

day 4

More thrills! More chills!! More countries with more and more smaller numbers of people winning more and more medals!!! More exclamation points with every sentence!!!! As two!!!!! more!!!!!! countries!!!!!!! leap from nowhere near the medals per million podium to its very most uppermost reaches!!!!!!!! Confused Olympic watchers around the world reached for dictionaries and atlases today as Slovenia bumped Slovakia from the top slot of the Medals Per Million pedestal – only to be bumped in turn by Qatar, the Scrabble-loving nation with little more than one and two-thirds of a million citizens. A mostly Muslim delegation of Qatari qadis, qaids and faqirs was onhand to qongratulate marqsman Nasser Al-Attiya for his bronze medal in shooting. The dejeqted Americans - who dropped six full positions today - had qalms. “We’re just not that kind of a country: we just don’t need it bad enough to start using guns, etc” re-remarqed Olympiq fan and Seqretary Of Defense Leon Panetta.

The day’s greatest gains were achieved by Canada and Germany, each of whom rose seven full positions in the MPM race. “It is like a game of ping pong on our hearts, here!!!!!!!!!” commentated CTV commentator Kyle Shewfelt.

The United States of Americans – all 314 million of them – were clearly troubled by their poor showing today, dropping from twenty-third to twenty-eighth place, with Germany shouldering the Yanks aside. But a lot of USA-ers pretended not to mind: “Don't forget, we beat ‘em in the war.”

Speaking of the war, Japanese officials registered a formal complaint to Medals Per Millions statisticians after seeing their nation drop twelve positions from yesterday’s tally. After consulting slow-motion recordings of the compilation of relevant spreadsheets, the President of MPM issued a formal apology from the organization’s centre of operations in Richmond, British Columbia. “Yeah, we put in the wrong number of medals for you guys yesterday. No biggie. We fixed it today. There’s 127 million of you people: quit your whining.”

click to enlarge

Monday, July 30, 2012

day 3

The third day of the London Olympics closes with high drama, as Mongolia and Lithuania judo-chopped and breast-stroked their way past yesterday’s leaders to take the the top two spots in the medals-per-million race, dropping Olympic-dominating Hungary, Moldova, Georgia, Norway and Slovakia to third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh places, respectively. “It pays to have not so many people,” remarked one Mongolian fan. “And for at least one of those people to be quite good at judo.”

While China dropped from 30th to 33rd place today, the news is not all bad. “Four countries now are not as bad as we are!” chanted Chinese supporters outside one Olympic venue. “Germay, Mexico, Indonesia, India – they’re even more not as good at sporting events!”

The day’s biggest losers were Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Taipei and the Netherlands, each dropping six positions in the standings, while Canada slipped by five spots, along with Serbia, Cuba and Belgium. “Hey, we can’t all be Mongolia, can we?” explained one Canuck official. “Just wait’ll we get to the events with skates and stuff – we’ll show ‘em, eh!”

At number 22 in the standings, the United States of America remains only slightly below average, which is more than good enough for them – a happy, non-competitive people who just want to be able to say “at least we were there.” A lot of them didn’t even mind that Ukraine fought past them with victories in fencing and air pistol. “If they’re going to resort to that kind of violence, I say let them have 21st place. We’re not that kind of a country: we just don’t need it bad enough to start using guns and swords,” said an unconfirmed source said to be close to Olympic fan and Secretary Of Defense Leon Panetta.

click to enlarge

Sunday, July 29, 2012

day 2

At the end of the second day of Olympic competition, Hungary, Moldova and Georgia stand atop the medals-per-million podium, the only three nations with more than two-tenths of a medal per million citizens, with Norway and Slovakia mere percentage points off the pace.

The United States of America ranks twentieth in the standings, one one-thousandth of a medal ahead of their arch-rival, Uzbekistan, followed closely by host nation Great Britain and recent Winter Olympic host, Canada, ranked twenty-third out of thirty. Of the thirty countries who’ve ascended the medal podium going into Day Three, China ranks last, with only nine one-thousandths of a medal per million population.

click to enlarge