The day’s greatest gains were achieved by Canada and Germany, each of whom rose seven full positions in the MPM race. “It is like a game of ping pong on our hearts, here!!!!!!!!!” commentated CTV commentator Kyle Shewfelt.
The United States of Americans – all 314 million of them – were clearly troubled by their poor showing today, dropping from twenty-third to twenty-eighth place, with Germany shouldering the Yanks aside. But a lot of USA-ers pretended not to mind: “Don't forget, we beat ‘em in the war.”
Speaking of the war, Japanese officials registered a formal complaint to Medals Per Millions statisticians after seeing their nation drop twelve positions from yesterday’s tally. After consulting slow-motion recordings of the compilation of relevant spreadsheets, the President of MPM issued a formal apology from the organization’s centre of operations in Richmond, British Columbia. “Yeah, we put in the wrong number of medals for you guys yesterday. No biggie. We fixed it today. There’s 127 million of you people: quit your whining.”
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