Tuesday, July 31, 2012

day 4

More thrills! More chills!! More countries with more and more smaller numbers of people winning more and more medals!!! More exclamation points with every sentence!!!! As two!!!!! more!!!!!! countries!!!!!!! leap from nowhere near the medals per million podium to its very most uppermost reaches!!!!!!!! Confused Olympic watchers around the world reached for dictionaries and atlases today as Slovenia bumped Slovakia from the top slot of the Medals Per Million pedestal – only to be bumped in turn by Qatar, the Scrabble-loving nation with little more than one and two-thirds of a million citizens. A mostly Muslim delegation of Qatari qadis, qaids and faqirs was onhand to qongratulate marqsman Nasser Al-Attiya for his bronze medal in shooting. The dejeqted Americans - who dropped six full positions today - had qalms. “We’re just not that kind of a country: we just don’t need it bad enough to start using guns, etc” re-remarqed Olympiq fan and Seqretary Of Defense Leon Panetta.

The day’s greatest gains were achieved by Canada and Germany, each of whom rose seven full positions in the MPM race. “It is like a game of ping pong on our hearts, here!!!!!!!!!” commentated CTV commentator Kyle Shewfelt.

The United States of Americans – all 314 million of them – were clearly troubled by their poor showing today, dropping from twenty-third to twenty-eighth place, with Germany shouldering the Yanks aside. But a lot of USA-ers pretended not to mind: “Don't forget, we beat ‘em in the war.”

Speaking of the war, Japanese officials registered a formal complaint to Medals Per Millions statisticians after seeing their nation drop twelve positions from yesterday’s tally. After consulting slow-motion recordings of the compilation of relevant spreadsheets, the President of MPM issued a formal apology from the organization’s centre of operations in Richmond, British Columbia. “Yeah, we put in the wrong number of medals for you guys yesterday. No biggie. We fixed it today. There’s 127 million of you people: quit your whining.”

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