day 14 | preview

IOMPMC officials today acknowledged that there is one thing wrong with the Medals Per Million count. “They put this ridiculous cap on how many competitors from a single country are allowed in any given event. This throws off the statistics in a manner that is grossly unfair to the larger countries, such as China or the United States of America” noted many commentators, in unison. And several others agreed, and some even went so far as to “like” those statements. 

 In response, the International Olympic Medals Per Million Committee will be lobbying the IOC to remove this unfair restriction for future games. “The only way for the 2016 games to truly restrict – I mean, reflect – the modern Olympic spirit will be for all the competitors in all events to come from China and the U.S., ensuring fair representation for all citizens of the world” said IOMPMC chairman. “Face it – anybody from Nauru can get on the team, right? How fair is that to the Americans, who at least have to be able to DO the sport better than some other guys in order to be the best? And hell – there’s more of us, we SHOULD win more medals” said one United States of American. “Oh yeah, and India. There’s lots of them too, right? We don’t mind if they come – should be able to whup them pretty easy.” 

 But until these sweeping changes are implemented, we’re stuck with this stupid “Anybody can play” thing, and we might as well list the nations who shouldn’t be in the Olympics in the first place who are in competition today, who could make a significant – if unfair – impact on the MPM leader board – primarily in canoe and kayak sprints, taekwondo and wrestling (even poor people can fight), rhythmic gymnastics, relays and marathon swimming. But don’t rule out the little guys in BMX racing, hammer throw, or wise sayings. (Also, Belgium is in competeition in hockey. Hockey? HOCKEY?? Did anyone tell the Canadians to bring their skates?)

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